This was the recurring thought before I decided to go home. Now that our home has been sold, I ask again in a broader sense. Unencumbered by home and free to roam.
Unencumbered and free to roam.
This is when the doubt attempts to take hold. Catching my breath. Then sighing in relief.
Thank you doubt. Thank you for working so hard to protect me. Desperate to keep me safe.
Now be gone! For a fantastic journey is about to launch! Excitement for what’s ahead riding a deep breath in. Drowning out the fear that I breathe out and away from me. Leaving the consistency of these past 20+ years behind and taking our 1st steps toward what we will discover on the road and beyond.
Fight the fear with curiosity, compassion, and love. Fight the doubt that creeps in along the way. Telling me not to go forth. Not to move forward. To stay here, where it’s safe. But there is no here now. The here, the home just sold. I did my work. I project managed the shit out of the last couple years. My mom worked her ass off for over 30 years to retire in style. Now we are homeless by choice. Vagabonds looking for a new place to settle in and build anew or just keep traveling forever.
The idea to retire, sell the house, and move away from Mississippi has come to pass. A whole new set of possibilities and doubts charge forth from our imagination. Both attempting with fierce determination to set in our minds that we can do anything and nothing all at once. There is something poetically and beautifully psychotic at play. This feels like madness that I’m reeling in the unknown, the adventure, the inconsistency of life on the road to…
We got this! We are a stronger We now. A mother and daughter together as ready as ready can be for this unknown because we conceptualized it. Created it. Mulled it over. Debated it a time or two. Planned for it. Emblazoned along the way in our choices and the freedom to make them. We can do what We want. Two women together in a most fantastic journey! Two wild and free feminists on the road to an unknown destination.
The fear creeps in all around me. Maybe because it’s the witching hour that doubt and fear creep closer. Maybe it’s because I feel a charge. And I heard somewhere that fear is just excitement on hold. The charge being to do something magical together in the search for a new home, a new place to be. To safely caravan across the country, enjoying the many sites along the way and overcoming the obstacles toward an unknown destination. Nothing scary about that. Not at all(insert sarcastic inflection or uncomfortable giggle).
This is the time to start. This is the time to share. This is the time to ask for insight and support along the way. If I could go back three years and start, I wouldn’t. It was too dark. Literally. The lights had gone out in my mom’s house when I first arrived. The septic tank had imploded. I walked into a literal shitstorm. Thankful to be home and safe from the world I felt at the time had shit on me. The ultimate pity party in poor lighting. Deep in it and wanting desperately to climb out, clean off, and let the light shine in. Remodel and revitalize my life, just like our home. Make it a beautiful and a right place to be for us and then for the family that bought it.
Now, looking back, I can see the things we did really well, the things we learned, and the things we want to do different. Best of all I use We — to work together with this amazing woman. My mom is all of the things and at the end of the day, family that I cherish.
The charge electric.
Charging my life with a magical task.
Giving me a sense of my truth gives me the energy to step fully and unapologetically into myself now. This is who I am. This is how I’m going to live. And this is how I’m doing it.
There have been a lot of times I’ve consulted those around me and the seemingly all knowing internet for guidance. Now my hope is to document this fantastic journey in a way that helps charge and re-energize us as we move through it. Using our mad skills. Learning along the way. Posterity and all that hullabaloo. And maybe, if we’re lucky, inspiring a charge for others to do the same in their life. That our triumphs and fumbles along our way will either prove that this was a bat-shit crazy idea or pure genius. Really wanting a balance of something in-between.
To walk through the fears and stay the course. That by anchoring, rooting deeply in my truth and showing myself compassion, love, and curiosity for life I am charged and ready to go. From the best, most awesome of feelings and experiences, to the most difficult and painful. I show myself I can do this and I show the world it is possible.
I am afraid. The doubt is here. I am thankful for it. It shows me that I am sane. I want to be safe and the unknown is scary. But I have a charge and my charge energizes my mission.
To quote mom today as we did a 2 mile walk, “I’m putting one foot in front of the other until I get where I want to go”.
This is how to start and it is only the beginning:
1 — Have an idea that won’t let up. It keeps whispering to you. Do it. Do it. Do it. Listen.
2 — Doubt WILL creep in to whisper back. It’s not safe. You will fail. You could die. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it! Listen to the doubt with curiosity and grace. How fiercely we desire gets so easily muddled with how fiercely we desire to protect ourselves from perceived danger. Safety first. Thank your protective self and take one step — the first step toward your desire, goal, dream. What can you do now to start? If you can’t do that thing, make a plan to do it as soon as possible.
3 — Charge it. Plug into it — anchoring and rooting it to take shape. The importance of this step is a start point reminder that can always be easily connected with. A way to track toward your success. A document. A calendar. A coach to work with that will remember with you, hold you accountable, staying the course along the way. A friend or loved one to enlist for encouragement and support. A list of actions to check through as energy is gained along the way, and something to re-charge with when the going gets tough and energy runs low(it always does, at least for me).
Energize your mission everyday along the way on a most fantastic journey from do it, to doing it, to did it!